Thursday, April 3, 2014

A Proclamation

Let it be known, and declared unto all the world that Essums is NOT the giant finker. Whores.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I never thought I would live to see the day.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Linus' Birthday

The FTC would be remiss to go without mentioning the aging members.

Happy Birthday to Weiner. We hope you had a lovely, stress-free birthday.

Friday, October 22, 2010

FTC Moms

This member of the FTC got to see two FTC Moms in the space of one week. It's probably because she is the queen of all things FTC.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Whorebait's Birthday

On Friday, the FTC paid special attention to an honorary Whorebait who was celebrating a momentous birthday.

The FTC started the evening (on time!) by going to Acaydia for pedicures. Since Acaydia is a school, the pedicures are not always guaranteed. Whilst Whorebait and Fern seemed to enjoy theirs, S was a little disappointed. Although, everyone left with their legs feeling slimy and smelling good.

Pepper decided to drug herself before attending the festivities and was definitely "on one" throughout the evening, but despite her best efforts to make herself unconscious before the end of the party, she managed to stay awake in order to arrive at Texas Roadhouse, whereby Fern claimed that she would eat 19 rolls. She ate four.

Being that it was Whorebait's birthday, the FTC made sure that she celebrated in the appropriate Texan-style: by sitting on a giant saddle and yelling "YeeHaw."

Since Pepper decided to OD on her pills, and then her husband arrived back in town early, the evening was cut short. But not before we listened to all of the best country music in S's car.

Happy Birthday, Skank!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The induction of SOCKS

As we have been severely lacking in proper documentation of the activities of the FTC, it is no wonder that we failed to introduce the newest Highly Favored Honorary Member of the FTC. We welcomed Socks into our group in January, when we realized that he worked only a hallway from two of the co-founders of FTC. He has provided a much-needed single, male perspective (unlike the married, skewed male perspectives we've been receiving from husbands) and the FTC has been very pleased with his participation.

In truth, the meeting at Joe Bandido's in Sprinville, UT can be summed up by the bullet list:
cucumber boats
banana slings /banana hammocks
moonlit breasts
boob grazing
Socks girlfriend
gay men
baby chicks
romance novel covers

But, of course, it is more interesting with the actual conversation. And since we don't record the meetings, it is necessary that there are errors in the recollection (and as always, the author will be shed in the best possible is appropriate since she is the author and therefore under complete it should be).

I don't remember the segway but the FTC was recently made aware that Socks participated in his first ever pedicure "as a dare."
Since the FTC currently has plans for pedicures in the next week, Socks was invited to attend.

"I think I'll give it a few weeks, to raise my manhood."

As the FTC, we are gracious and give Socks the benefit of the doubt that he was using 
Main Entry: man·hood
Pronunciation: \ˈman-ˌhu̇d\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century

1 : the condition of being a human being
2 : qualities associated with men : manliness
3 : the condition of being an adult male as distinguished from a child or female
4 : adult males : men
5 : penis
 the second definition, since he is (we think) inexperienced with terminology most common in romance novels (see definition #5) but that did not stop the recurrent giggling that proceeded throughout the remainder of lunch.

Over all, it was one of the more productive lunches we've had in a while and the FTC Queens are very pleased.