Fern: G's Novell uniform
G: wait, how will I know you're serious? I have zero knowledge in this area.
Fern: I suggest something involving suspenders.
Fern: They are definitely making a comeback.
G: See?! I KNOW that's a setup.
Pepper: also, berets
G: I'll figure it out myself.
Fern: WHAT
Pepper: no, but khakis really are gay
G: how about coveralls?
Fern: That is the truth
Pepper: and suspenders are really hot right now
Fern: coveralls are wicked sexy
G: sheesh.
Fern: It's true.
Fern: Coveralls are hot.
G: Mainly, I don't care.
Pepper: PS---if you wear bell bottom coveralls you get double points
G: Except about the being gay part.
Pepper: or perhaps powder blue cords
Fern: I think G would look great with a jaunty beret.
G: I'll just go with a suit. That's safe.
Pepper: I concur
Fern: Maybe pinstriped.
Pepper: with a fancy neck scarf made of silk
Pepper: suits are gay
Fern: yes
Pepper: too formal for Novell
Pepper: wear jeans
Pepper: nobody cares
Fern: with moccasins
Fern: moccasins are very cool nowadays
Pepper: also, with Birkenstocks and white socks
Pepper: maybe some mardi gras beads
Fern: but they have to have fringe and beads
Pepper: Bermuda shorts
Fern: I also encourage you to wear hemp whenever possible
G: I'll keep that in mind.
Pepper: would complete the ensemble nicely
G: how about bling?
Fern: only if it involves pinky rings
Fern: although I think you might look nice with some diamond studs
Fern: They would bring out your eyes quite nicely
G: I'm too pale.
G: You have to be olive to do diamond studs.
Fern: naaa
Fern: no way
G: Potts, tell her I'm right.
Fern: Another thing to consider: open shirts or better yet...no shirt.
Fern: That would be under the overalls of course.
G: Of course
G: How about bald? is that in or not?
Fern: Only if you tattoo the back of your head
Fern: In which case, it is hot.
Fern: If you're not into moccasins or Birkenstocks, cowboy boots will do.
Fern: However, given S's strong desires for men with cowboy boots, I suggest not wearing them to work.
G: yikes
Fern: Just a heads up
Fern: You never know what will set people off
G: That's true.
G: Viggo Mortensen, for instance.
Fern: Leggings are something else to look out for.
Pepper: under the tube socks, of course
Fern: Particularly black and shiny ones
G: shiny socks?
Fern: nay
Pepper: shiny leggings
Fern: leggings
Pepper: generally, the sparklier the better
Pepper: though you can get too much shine
G: what the hell are leggings? I thought thy were those fuzzy things from the 80s.
Fern: Metrosexual is coming back for men
Fern: Those are legwarmers
Pepper: I would try for a subtle amethyst shade
Fern: pearl
G: so, like chaps? only purple?
Fern: not so much
Pepper: you know, kind of like the 80s stirrup pants
Fern: leggings are 1.not assless. and 2.skintight
Fern: unlike chaps
Pepper: surely, Her Hotness had a few pair
G: so they're pants?
Fern: yes
G: then why didnt' you say pants??
Fern: kindof like panty hose?
Fern: but more pants-like
G: like what skaters wear?
Pepper: http://www.catwalkqueen.tv/leggings-bal-hologram.jpg
G: those are seriously ugly
Fern: nono
Pepper: they are the latest
Fern: seriously cool
Pepper: Lindsay Lohan has her own line
G: then why don't you wear them?
Fern: I read that
Pepper: Fat legs
Fern: I don't have the legs
Pepper: it's hereditary
Fern: you might, though
Pepper: yours, however, are another story
Fern: I definitely see some potential there
G: k, I'm mildly uncomfortable now
Pepper: just avoid the pearl sheen, it might blend in too well with your natural skin color and people would think you
weren't wearing any at all
Pepper: speaking of which, you should probably avoid underwear whenever possible if you want to truly reach new fashion heights
Fern: not more uncomfortable than we were when you said you liked leather halters and hooker boots/miniskirts
Fern: it's just payback, that's all
Fern: yes, no unders
Fern: that works against fashion
Pepper: VPL, you know
G: pearl = my skin color?
Pepper: it is quite white
Pepper: and fairly luminescent
Pepper: you emit a sort of glow
Fern: that's why I think he'd look right smart in diamond studs
Pepper: exactly
Pepper: pearls and diamonds go together like G and leggings
G: ok, let's see: commando, amethyst leggings, beret, no shirt, coveralls.
G: got it.
Fern: G, you really should trust us
Pepper: we know these things
Pepper: For example, khakis and button downs are SO last year
Fern: Our brains contain a vast array of knowledge
Pepper: in fact, they might even be two years ago
Pepper: SHOCKING
Fern: that you could benefit from
Pepper: we can't let you walk around like that
Fern: right.
Pepper: take our advice, you will look simply grand
Fern: We really care about you, G
Pepper: yes
Pepper: we only want what's best for you
Fern: We want you to be the best you that you can be
Pepper: which might also include copious amounts of very strong cologne
Fern: If you look good, you feel good
Pepper: but it must be of the woman's variety
Fern: Ladies like this very much
G: You know what I wish? I wish I had the cajones to wear that on Wednesday and follow you everywhere you go and
act like I really thought it was awesome.
Pepper: it attracts the ladies like flies
Pepper: to poop
G: Alas, it will never happen.
Fern: Do it, and we will be your slaves for life
Fern: We dare you
Pepper: yes
Pepper: double dare
G: It wouldn't be any fun now because you'll know that I know it's a lark.
G: It only works if you think I'm serious.
Pepper: but if you made improvements, you could show us how's it done
Fern: No no, it would still work
Pepper: you just need to purchase quite a bit of rogaine between now and Wednesday and apply it liberally to your
chest
Fern: yes please
G: How do you know I need it?
Pepper: you'll know you've gone far enough when you look like a bear's backside
Fern: it will make the lack of a shirt not-so-startling
Pepper: exactly
Pepper: and you must make sure to curl it
Pepper: and spray it
Fern: It will be like a shirt..but not a shirt
Pepper: or it will never do
Fern: It must be springy
Fern: that is the rule to follow
Pepper: yes
Pepper: when each hair is individually curled so it spirals like a pube, you know you have reached the apex of chest hair
G: AHH!
Fern: You didn't know that??
Fern: I thought all men did.
Pepper: yes
Pepper: I thought that was common knowledge
G: women like pubes on chests. How does that make sense?
Fern: I think I read that in GQ once.
Pepper: if you don't know that you probably don't even know that women also like unibrows
Pepper: thick, caterpillary ones
Pepper: meeting directly in the middle of your forehead
Pepper: it's really quite dashing
Fern: It has an old school flair
Fern: especially if worn with a pompadour
Pepper: yes
Pepper: but the pompadour must be at least 8 inches high
Fern: you would look positively BRILLIANT with one of those
Fern: you have no idea
Fern: but you will only be complete when you affect a slight Jamaican accent
Peppe
Pepper
Fern: Are you taking notes, G?
Fern: Neck beards are the ultimate
Fern: I've been bugging Leo to grow one, but he is just not hip enough.
Pepper: also, molestaches
Pepper: but no more than three hairs per side
Pepper: Now that you have been given all the right fashion tips, you will put them into practice on Wednesday.
Fern: This will be like our own version of 'What Not to Wear'
Pepper: Or I will send this coversation to everyone I know with you photoshopped in said outfit
Fern: only we have told you exactly what to wear (all of the above) and what not to (gay khakis) and you will follow our expertise
