2008 Day of Caring

Earlier this month, Fern and S decided to give back to the community by working with United Way to clean up Provo's House of Hope. It was very rewarding to drub and destroy Hefestus (the giant weed) and his brothers. We had quite a time cleaning up the playground...and so far there has been no signs of hepatitis from the toys.

Afterwards, we met Pepper at Stan's, where we enjoyed our meal, despite being filthy, sweaty, and blistered. What a day! We'll do it again next year, only this time we'll bring our own gloves!

Shoat Contest

We held our first-ever (and hopefully last) eating contest today. It was pretty much the most disgusting thing ever seen-and just so you won’t think it's a lie, the totals and pictures are posted below.

The eating contest genesis comes from the fact that as FTC members, we have watched each other throw away good food for months, bringing us down to the very same question: Who can eat the most? Everyone claimed to be Queen of Shoats, and yet, no one seemed to live up to the name.

It finally came to a head when the FTC ventured to the Chinese buffet on State Street, and we watched Li'l Puss hardly touch her food. The date was set, we were going to see who could out-eat each other.

We began plotting rules and making sure it was very scientifically done. Taco Bell was chosen as the poison due to the fact that their soft tacos are relatively cheap, roughly the same size, etc.

Official Rules Document

Taco Bell Soft Taco Eating Contest

September 23, 2008

1. Each contestant will eat the maximum number of soft tacos in the allotted one-hour time period.

2. Contestants must eat the whole taco. No leaving scraps.

3. Contestants may use hot sauce, if they choose.

4. Contestants will start with five soft tacos. If consumed, they will buy three more. Then two more for every round after that.

5. No dirty tactics are allowed. No cracking digit jokes to make the other contestants choke, etc.

6. Contestants must wait thirty minutes after the contest has concluded to puke. If they puke before that time, they are disqualified.

7. Contestants may drink the beverage of their choice during the contest.

8. The winner will be awarded with a Jamba Juice of her choice. The two losers will pay for it.

9. All contestants will notarize this rule sheet in front of a qualified witness. If a contestant should fail to abide by these rules, she will be disqualified.

Head S. Giggity ___________________________________

Fernicula ________________________________________

Li’l Puss _________________________________________

After a morning of trash talk from Fern and Li'l Puss, we ventured to Taco Bell, starving.

Fern started out strong. She had three tacos down before the rest of the FTC had finished half of their second. The fourth became a problem, but she managed to hold on and very SLOWLY eat the final, fifth one. S maintained her slow and steady speed, which would inevitably allow her to claim victory. However, Li'l Puss whimped out within minutes of starting fourth one, and alas, would not be able to complete it.




Kelley was there to witness, egg-on, and help harass Li'l Puss. Which was a nice treat - nothing like showing your boss what a shoat you really are.

RESULTS:

Head S: 5 and one bite
Fern: 5
Li’l Puss: 3.5

At any rate, Head S won, making her the queen shoat. Fern is in the bathroom hurling it all up and Li'l Puss is eating a frosty, trying to redeem herself.

Taking 30 minutes off work: $23 15 tacos: $15 Watching Fern and Head S eat themselves sick: Priceless

Fashion Advice from the FTC - A Discussion

Fern: G's Novell uniform

G: wait, how will I know you're serious? I have zero knowledge in this area.

Fern: I suggest something involving suspenders.

Fern: They are definitely making a comeback.

G: See?! I KNOW that's a setup.

Pepper: also, berets

G: I'll figure it out myself.

Fern: WHAT

Pepper: no, but khakis really are gay

G: how about coveralls?

Fern: That is the truth

Pepper: and suspenders are really hot right now

Fern: coveralls are wicked sexy

G: sheesh.

Fern: It's true.

Fern: Coveralls are hot.

G: Mainly, I don't care.

Pepper: PS---if you wear bell bottom coveralls you get double points

G: Except about the being gay part.

Pepper: or perhaps powder blue cords

Fern: I think G would look great with a jaunty beret.

G: I'll just go with a suit. That's safe.

Pepper: I concur

Fern: Maybe pinstriped.

Pepper: with a fancy neck scarf made of silk

Pepper: suits are gay

Fern: yes

Pepper: too formal for Novell

Pepper: wear jeans

Pepper: nobody cares

Fern: with moccasins

Fern: moccasins are very cool nowadays

Pepper: also, with Birkenstocks and white socks

Pepper: maybe some mardi gras beads

Fern: but they have to have fringe and beads

Pepper: Bermuda shorts

Fern: I also encourage you to wear hemp whenever possible

G: I'll keep that in mind.

Pepper: would complete the ensemble nicely

G: how about bling?

Fern: only if it involves pinky rings

Fern: although I think you might look nice with some diamond studs

Fern: They would bring out your eyes quite nicely

G: I'm too pale.

G: You have to be olive to do diamond studs.

Fern: naaa

Fern: no way

G: Potts, tell her I'm right.

Fern: Another thing to consider: open shirts or better yet...no shirt.

Fern: That would be under the overalls of course.

G: Of course

G: How about bald? is that in or not?

Fern: Only if you tattoo the back of your head

Fern: In which case, it is hot.

Fern: If you're not into moccasins or Birkenstocks, cowboy boots will do.

Fern: However, given S's strong desires for men with cowboy boots, I suggest not wearing them to work.

G: yikes

Fern: Just a heads up

Fern: You never know what will set people off

G: That's true.

G: Viggo Mortensen, for instance.

Fern: Leggings are something else to look out for.

Pepper: under the tube socks, of course

Fern: Particularly black and shiny ones

G: shiny socks?

Fern: nay

Pepper: shiny leggings

Fern: leggings

Pepper: generally, the sparklier the better

Pepper: though you can get too much shine

G: what the hell are leggings? I thought thy were those fuzzy things from the 80s.

Fern: Metrosexual is coming back for men

Fern: Those are legwarmers

Pepper: I would try for a subtle amethyst shade

Fern: pearl

G: so, like chaps? only purple?

Fern: not so much

Pepper: you know, kind of like the 80s stirrup pants

Fern: leggings are 1.not assless. and 2.skintight

Fern: unlike chaps

Pepper: surely, Her Hotness had a few pair

G: so they're pants?

Fern: yes

G: then why didnt' you say pants??

Fern: kindof like panty hose?

Fern: but more pants-like

G: like what skaters wear?

Pepper: http://www.catwalkqueen.tv/leggings-bal-hologram.jpg

G: those are seriously ugly

Fern: nono

Pepper: they are the latest

Fern: seriously cool

Pepper: Lindsay Lohan has her own line

G: then why don't you wear them?

Fern: I read that

Pepper: Fat legs

Fern: I don't have the legs

Pepper: it's hereditary

Fern: you might, though

Pepper: yours, however, are another story

Fern: I definitely see some potential there

G: k, I'm mildly uncomfortable now

Pepper: just avoid the pearl sheen, it might blend in too well with your natural skin color and people would think you
weren't wearing any at all

Pepper: speaking of which, you should probably avoid underwear whenever possible if you want to truly reach new fashion heights

Fern: not more uncomfortable than we were when you said you liked leather halters and hooker boots/miniskirts

Fern: it's just payback, that's all

Fern: yes, no unders

Fern: that works against fashion

Pepper: VPL, you know

G: pearl = my skin color?

Pepper: it is quite white

Pepper: and fairly luminescent

Pepper: you emit a sort of glow

Fern: that's why I think he'd look right smart in diamond studs

Pepper: exactly

Pepper: pearls and diamonds go together like G and leggings

G: ok, let's see: commando, amethyst leggings, beret, no shirt, coveralls.

G: got it.

Fern: G, you really should trust us

Pepper: we know these things

Pepper: For example, khakis and button downs are SO last year

Fern: Our brains contain a vast array of knowledge

Pepper: in fact, they might even be two years ago

Pepper: SHOCKING

Fern: that you could benefit from

Pepper: we can't let you walk around like that

Fern: right.

Pepper: take our advice, you will look simply grand

Fern: We really care about you, G

Pepper: yes

Pepper: we only want what's best for you

Fern: We want you to be the best you that you can be

Pepper: which might also include copious amounts of very strong cologne

Fern: If you look good, you feel good

Pepper: but it must be of the woman's variety

Fern: Ladies like this very much

G: You know what I wish? I wish I had the cajones to wear that on Wednesday and follow you everywhere you go and
act like I really thought it was awesome.

Pepper: it attracts the ladies like flies

Pepper: to poop

G: Alas, it will never happen.

Fern: Do it, and we will be your slaves for life

Fern: We dare you

Pepper: yes

Pepper: double dare

G: It wouldn't be any fun now because you'll know that I know it's a lark.

G: It only works if you think I'm serious.

Pepper: but if you made improvements, you could show us how's it done

Fern: No no, it would still work

Pepper: you just need to purchase quite a bit of rogaine between now and Wednesday and apply it liberally to your
chest

Fern: yes please

G: How do you know I need it?

Pepper: you'll know you've gone far enough when you look like a bear's backside

Fern: it will make the lack of a shirt not-so-startling

Pepper: exactly

Pepper: and you must make sure to curl it

Pepper: and spray it

Fern: It will be like a shirt..but not a shirt

Pepper: or it will never do

Fern: It must be springy

Fern: that is the rule to follow

Pepper: yes

Pepper: when each hair is individually curled so it spirals like a pube, you know you have reached the apex of chest hair

G: AHH!

Fern: You didn't know that??

Fern: I thought all men did.

Pepper: yes

Pepper: I thought that was common knowledge

G: women like pubes on chests. How does that make sense?

Fern: I think I read that in GQ once.

Pepper: if you don't know that you probably don't even know that women also like unibrows

Pepper: thick, caterpillary ones

Pepper: meeting directly in the middle of your forehead

Pepper: it's really quite dashing

Fern: It has an old school flair

Fern: especially if worn with a pompadour

Pepper: yes

Pepper: but the pompadour must be at least 8 inches high

Fern: you would look positively BRILLIANT with one of those

Fern: you have no idea

Fern: but you will only be complete when you affect a slight Jamaican accent

Pepper: and if not possible, you must at least try for Cockney

Pepper: wot wot, cheerio!

Fern: Are you taking notes, G?

Fern: Neck beards are the ultimate

Fern: I've been bugging Leo to grow one, but he is just not hip enough.

Pepper: also, molestaches

Pepper: but no more than three hairs per side

Pepper: Now that you have been given all the right fashion tips, you will put them into practice on Wednesday.

Fern: This will be like our own version of 'What Not to Wear'

Pepper: Or I will send this coversation to everyone I know with you photoshopped in said outfit

Fern: only we have told you exactly what to wear (all of the above) and what not to (gay khakis) and you will follow our expertise

Suspensions

Some people think that if this blog is not updated while certain prominent members of the Finer Things Club are on vacation, they will be severely punished upon the return of said members.

8th Meeting - Gurus

We met at Guru's on July 2, 2008.





Predictions were made that have recently come to pass. Congratulations, MJ on the engagement! The FTC is really happy for you!

7th Meeting - Thai Kitchen in a subdued manner

Regardless of the most recent FTC meeting, there is absolutely no evidence that Hell has frozen over. Sure, the sass was left at the office and the members of the FTC were able to venture out in public with two guests into public without so much as one scene of indecent display. The FTC was also able to finish their meal without an uproar of profanity and crude jokes. There was also pleasant discussion of upcoming nuptials (Mary). And KP, despite her unwillingness to try new and delicious food and also her abhorrence for anything semi-nutritious, enjoyed the delicious food that came from the Thai Kitchen. All of these things may have happened, but we do not believe they are sufficient evidence for the Apocalypse. Not yet anyway.

The FTC decided to go against tradition and regulation and offer an invitation to a select few of the entire MarCom team. All manners of excuses were given in order to get out of said FTC meeting, and the club thought they would once again embark on their own. However, Mary and Julie could not come up with sufficient excuses, and were thus made to pack themselves in the back of Pepper’s car like sardines.

The FTC entered the Thai Kitchen with high expectations, and was happily satisfied. Even if the water glasses were not kept sufficiently full, and were completely drained of ice after the first 10 minutes of sitting. Fate was on the side of the FTC and S was ecstatic to learn that her favorite dish just also happened to be the daily special. KP was overwhelmed with the new flavors and delicious noodles and vegetables that were offered. Her pansy taste buds did not allow her to fully enjoy the deliciousness that was the Yellow Curry. All were pleased with the thought that if freerice.com offers sticky rice to the starving people of the world, then they are finally being well fed.

Of course, the perfect nicety that was our 7^th meeting could not last for long. As soon as Mary and Julie returned to their assigned offices, things turned back to normal FTC fashion. And that is exactly what we did: broke out the Novell fashion, in the form of GIANT-sized t-shirts that are a weird tan-green-puce color. Said shirts had been modeled by Wein the day before, in order to earn a diet coke and a 12-pack of diet coke (although KP’s rules explicitly stated that said 12-pack must be on sale. Said 12-pack is forthcoming—KP is generous and feels more people should take her up on her offers and bets). Once the shirts had been broken out once more, the camera had to be involved and several precious moments were spent modeling the foul-smelling garments.

After which the FTC returned dutifully to work.

The FTC now awaits the arrival of a recently groomed canine with great anticipation. Photos will document the experience, I am sure.

6th Meeting — Chili's: You are just jealous because that's never happened to the likes of you

Today's blog will feature the most photo-producing FTC meeting yet recorded. After much hemming and hawing and general wishy-washiness, the girls decided on Chili's. Their plan was almost thwarted when Kati and Weiner decided to check out the nutritional information for their favorite meals and decided it would take about 673 minutes on the treadmill to burn half an order of chicken crispers; however, Chili's won out in the end. Kati was magnanimous enough to drive today, even when gas prices are higher than ever. Just more proof of her general angelic nature.

Anyway, the girls experienced no shenanigans or drooling teenage males on the way over, and were seated in the section of a very slow and pathetic waiter. Also nearby: a girl with fake pink and blonde curly hair who kept shooting crusties over her shoulder at the dazzling members of FTC. As the meal progressed, Weiner ended up with food in her lap AND on her neck. No one knows exactly what happened; we all just chalk it up to more evidence of Weiner's shoat-like qualities.

At one point, Weiner started laying out the sass to poor, unsuspecting Kati, saying, “I touched every single one of your nachos with my finger.” However, the confused Kati (her defense is that the restaurant was very loud) thought she heard Weiner say, “I touched every single one of your nachos with my wanker.” Needless to say, Kati was horrified, and tears of cackling laughter ensued.

Following this episode, Kati dared Weiner to eat a pile of jalapeños. Even though Kati offered a whopping $1.83, and S volunteered to match it, Weiner refused; this stubbornness is customary of her species. Finally S and Kati coerced the pansy-ish Weiner into eating just three jalapeños. Even with this drastic reduction, Weiner still couldn't hack it, and she ended up spewing chewed jalapeños shortly thereafter. Desperate to drub Weiner at something, Kati suggested a drinking contest. S documented the event, and Weiner succeeded in drinking Kati under the table. (Side note: Kati also offered to buy Wein any alcoholic beverages her heart desired, just to gain pure entertainment from the ensuing results.)

Finally, as Kati had been trying to hook S up with males all day, she suggested that S ask a lone diner for his digits. Six dollars were offered, and Wein offered to match that sum. S took several long looks, and, apparently deciding the specimen did not have “syrupy dripping eyes” that would cover her in molasses and melt her heart, S declined. Kati and Wein think S made a big mistake, but alas, if she has her heart set on MF, there is nothing some people can do about it.

With that, the girls were back to the office where Kati had to make a mad, hunched dash to the first floor pot to avoid being clocked in the bladder by the blackguard, Wein. The operation was a success, and sadly the girls are back to work.