A Proclamation

Let it be known, and declared unto all the world that Essums is NOT the giant finker. Whores.

RIP

I never thought I would live to see the day.

testing

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B0aQ12doEF0uNTgxNzJiNGItZjk5Ny00ODBhLTk4YTctODIxNDY0MmIxZTA2&hl=en&authkey=CK647d0I

Linus' Birthday

The FTC would be remiss to go without mentioning the aging members.

Happy Birthday to Weiner. We hope you had a lovely, stress-free birthday.

FTC Moms

This member of the FTC got to see two FTC Moms in the space of one week. It's probably because she is the queen of all things FTC.

Whorebait's Birthday

On Friday, the FTC paid special attention to an honorary Whorebait who was celebrating a momentous birthday.

The FTC started the evening (on time!) by going to Acaydia for pedicures. Since Acaydia is a school, the pedicures are not always guaranteed. Whilst Whorebait and Fern seemed to enjoy theirs, S was a little disappointed. Although, everyone left with their legs feeling slimy and smelling good.

Pepper decided to drug herself before attending the festivities and was definitely "on one" throughout the evening, but despite her best efforts to make herself unconscious before the end of the party, she managed to stay awake in order to arrive at Texas Roadhouse, whereby Fern claimed that she would eat 19 rolls. She ate four.

Being that it was Whorebait's birthday, the FTC made sure that she celebrated in the appropriate Texan-style: by sitting on a giant saddle and yelling "YeeHaw."

Since Pepper decided to OD on her pills, and then her husband arrived back in town early, the evening was cut short. But not before we listened to all of the best country music in S's car.

Happy Birthday, Skank!

The induction of SOCKS

As we have been severely lacking in proper documentation of the activities of the FTC, it is no wonder that we failed to introduce the newest Highly Favored Honorary Member of the FTC. We welcomed Socks into our group in January, when we realized that he worked only a hallway from two of the co-founders of FTC. He has provided a much-needed single, male perspective (unlike the married, skewed male perspectives we've been receiving from husbands) and the FTC has been very pleased with his participation.


In truth, the meeting at Joe Bandido's in Sprinville, UT can be summed up by the bullet list:

penises

cucumber boats

foreplay

banana slings /banana hammocks

moonlit breasts

dip

boob grazing

Socks girlfriend

gay men

baby chicks

romance novel covers

But, of course, it is more interesting with the actual conversation. And since we don't record the meetings, it is necessary that there are errors in the recollection (and as always, the author will be shed in the best possible light...as is appropriate since she is the author and therefore under complete control...as it should be).


I don't remember the segway but the FTC was recently made aware that Socks participated in his first ever pedicure "as a dare."
Since the FTC currently has plans for pedicures in the next week, Socks was invited to attend.

"I think I'll give it a few weeks, to raise my manhood."

As the FTC, we are gracious and give Socks the benefit of the doubt that he was using 

Main Entry: man·hood
Pronunciation: \ˈman-ˌhu̇d\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century

1 : the condition of being a human being
2 : qualities associated with men : manliness
3 : the condition of being an adult male as distinguished from a child or female
4 : adult males : men
5 : penis

 the second definition, since he is (we think) inexperienced with terminology most common in romance novels (see definition #5) but that did not stop the recurrent giggling that proceeded throughout the remainder of lunch.

Over all, it was one of the more productive lunches we've had in a while and the FTC Queens are very pleased.

SPAM Comments

I feel that if we updated this blog more, we would not get so many SPAM comments on our posts. Should we disband this blog? I feel the need to keep it as a formal history of the FTC, but we have been severely lacking in discipline (meetings are no longer being documented, pictures are highly lacking, etc.)

Suggestions?

Calendar Items

Our to do list:

1. Bra fittings
2. Group pictures
3. Lunch with Courtney

I believe there was more. Please add to the list when you think of what it is.

Endangered Species

Work is a constant threat to the FTC, and lately it has threatened to overrun the members of the FTC to the point of collapse.

Luckily, there is one sole member who has remained ever-faithful, ever-enduring and utterly devoted to keeping the FTC up and running. If it were not for her loyalty and dedication, it is unlikely that the FTC were still be up and running.

Thank goodness for Lil Essums - without her, the FTC would be extinct.

Hopefully the rest of the FTC will be on board in the next few days, and will not let the tyrant be victorious over this powerful club.

FTC Trip

It is time to start planning the annual FTC trip.

To date, the FTC has been to Park City, UT (2008), Santa Fe, NM (2009) and now has need to begin thinking about a trip for 2010. In order to begin saving bones, make accommodations with significant others, etc. brainstorming should be seen as imperative in the next meeting of the FTC.

The following items should be discussed:

• Where
• When
• How much money

Put on your thinking caps, ladies!

Another item could be added to to whether or not significant others should/could be included. Of course, unnecessary difficulties may arise if the FTC were to open up their trip to include more people. Namely, 1) Difficulty in accommodating visitors by way of hotel, transportation, etc. 2) Added cost 3) The fact that one FTC member does not have a significant other - easily remedied, I'm sure and 4) differences of opinion and interests to appease. This member says, now that she thinks about it, it is probably best to keep the trip exclusive to the founding members of the FTC.

In Which S Complains quite formally...

The unauthorized disbandment of the FTC is to be punished as soon as possible. Our meetings have lessened, our posts completely obliterated. Someone should be hanged for insubordination. For future reference, no one is allowed to go out of town for so long without figuring out a way for the FTC to be together.

That means, Fern's trip to Argentina has been canceled, unless she can provide a ticket for the other two co-founding members of the FTC to join her. Also, all trips to Burley, ID and Troy, OH are forbidden unless formally approved by the FTC.

Ignored texts, emails and other such forms of communication shall be tried as high treason and ultimate disloyalty to the FTC. Punishments will be determined by offended parties.

** HUFF **

In which I argue that I deserve a birthday post from my Weaky...

Weaky, if you love me, you will post a most complimentary and fawning tribute to me on my birthday—8 days from now, lest ye forget. If you choose to flout my demand, know that you will face swift and ugly retribution. Also, you'll be dumped. Act wisely.
The end.

New blog

The Finer Things Club has a new (and more updated) blog that will be more informative. We have started a book blog - thanks to Linus aka Weiner. Her inspiration, and her frequent posts are sure to be more entertaining and inspiring than this little old blog has ever been.

The Book Off can be found at www.the-book-off.blogspot.com
You should definitely check it out for our thoughts on the many books that we read.

New Members

Happy Birthday Weiner!

Imagine this: under-wire (and nothing else), mesh, fluorescent pink. Long sleeves. Crotchless. Did I mention the long sleeves?

Apparently the FTC uses birthdays as a form of twisted celebration. And Pepper's birthday was no different. Showered with gifts like such as dicktarts and the aforementioned item above show just how far S and Fern were willing to make Pep's birthday memorable.

The three-day celebration concluded with Fern and Pepper's first-ever pedicure. It was so relaxing... even if they were late and uptight about the whole thing. Acadyia is a teaching school, though, and so while the price was good...the technicians were students. And I guess you get what you pay for.

After all the celebrations and gifts,  the FTC ensured that Weiner ushered in her 25th birthday so that she may never forget it.

We also found where we can supply everyone with dicktarts.

How to Score a Dude: Lesson 1 Removing Asinine Preconceptions

Lesson #1 involved good common sense. Men, like the incorrigible creatures that they are, do not come in neat, perfect packages. In fact, they are rather flawed. Keeping this in mind, it is important that when seeking for male companionship, one must not let their beliefs on the subject bar their chance at meeting an almost perfect, or rather, someone that will do just fine. If such a man can be found, one should make an honest effort to get to know the fellow.

Since this is the case - it was important to note that a man that grows a nice beard, possesses a desirable stature, fortune and sense of humor, along with fine traits such as a testimony of Jesus Christ, a job/education, background in cowboying, Ebonics, and general rakish behavior does not exist.

Pity.

Homework assignment #1: List 5 characteristics that are desirable but that are not considered superfluous, impossible or overly ridiculous. Such traits should not include general aesthetics or personality but should stick the absolute necessary traits deemed appropriate from the course instructors.

Assignment #1

1. A testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ
2. An interest and honest effort in one day becoming a provider, i.e. is working to better his education and/or is currently pursuing an education
3. In possession of a particular sense of humor
4. One with whom I am comfortable to be myself
5. Has instilled a particular love of family within himself
   

PottsFern all-in-one course on How to Score a Dude

S has recently been enrolled in the following course. Taught by the skankhos themselves, Fern and Pepper, it should prove to be insightful, entertaining and frustrating for everyone.

A Short Story: V&JJ

the following story is based on true events, taking place at Guru's during an FTC meeting

Vicky walked through the door that JJ was holding allowing entrance into their favorite restaurant. The line was longer than she had anticipated, though she knew that had just been wishful thinking. Besides, she knew that JJ would never be out of the door on time, he was too busy nursing his broken wrist. She still couldn't believe that he had broken his wrist! It wasn't as if they were doing anything...extreme.

She looked over at JJ and smiled and then stared ahead in line. She could feel his presence - it wasn't hard to miss. His good arm was wrapped tightly around her, and she could smell the powerful scent of his cologne. They hadn't had time to shower before they left the house, and he over compensated a bit. She didn't mind, though, because she loved the way JJ smelled.

She felt a familiar squeeze around her middle and turned to look down at him. He wasn't handsome in the traditional sense, but she loved the way his eyes lit up whenever he looked at her. She bent her head and without saying anything, he knew what she wanted.
Their lips met, her lips parted and he took full advantage. Never mind the other customers. The line was long. What else were they supposed to do. They kissed, and Vicky felt his tongue slip into her mouth. She moaned a little. His hand wandered lower, lower... She pulled away. They'd never make it through lunch if he did stuff like that. She looked at him, and he smiled and pulled her into a hug. Vicky pulled his head to her breast and stroked his hair. How she loved this man-boy! Her parents were crazy to say that they would never make it.

He murmured something to her, and she felt the familiar curling in her belly. She wished the line would hurry. JJ didn't seem to mind. He reached up and let his fingers trail through her hair. They were kissing again. Vicky thought she heard a table gawking. They were just jealous. It seemed like only a matter of minutes before they were through the line. What had she ordered? She was sure she didn't know. She was going to ask JJ, but thought against it. No sense spoiling the electricity in the air with mundane conversation. She would find out soon enough.

JJ chose a book against the window, in the corner. Vicky sat down, and he reclined to lay his head on her lap. She played with the tendrils of her hair. He sat back up and simply looked in her eyes. It was enough. She pulled his mouth to hers. Their lips moved in perfect synchronization. She felt her breath quicken when his hand wandered down next to her thigh. It was really too bad they were in a public place. Vicky heard some grumbling from a table nearby. They must have gotten up to leave...but she didn't have time to think about that. She was too busy worried about keeping her own hands to herself. JJ pulled away and smiled shyly. He lay his head upon her breast once more and she watched the dust specks floating through the air. The restaurant wasn't as crowded as before. She watched the waitress move through the maze of tables, looking for their number. When the food was set down, they enjoyed a few more minutes of liplock before JJ worried that his food would get cold.

They ate in silence. Every once and a while, she turned and locked eyes with him. It was really all they needed, and he would lean in and kiss her thoroughly. She tasted the peanut sauce from his wrap. Her own sandwich seriously lacked flavor after having tasting JJ. She looked at him again, wondering if they would be able to make it back to the apartment. They would have to. The cops hadn't been so nice the last time they had been caught...

He finished with his meal and lay back down. His hands touching where the other patrons couldn't see. She smiled a secret smile at him and looked up to see five girls walking through the door. They looked incredulous and disgusted. Vicky rolled her eyes, and continued to think about the things that JJ would do to her as soon as they left the restaurant. She shoved a few sweet potato fries in her mouth and then motioned to him that they should go...and now.

New Mexico

The recent trip to New Mexico will be blogged about in the near future.

FTC members should do the following in order to be ready for this post:

1. submit pictures to be posted (a CD of the collected pictures will be lovely)
2. gather notations taken on the trip - mental will suffice
3. submit a paragraph or so to S, in order for the trip to be properly document

Reminder, a slaying will be in order for those who shirk their duties to the FTC. Regardless whether they are in the GLORIOUS Midwest, or not. You have been warned.